un-reincarnatable fools

The only thing that pisses you off more than watching a plotless movie is spending 140 bucks to watch one.

*spoiler on*
A technologically forward race which has lost touch with “nature” invades the lands of a “peace loving, one-with-nature” race and what follows is the incredulous story of how sticks and stones defeat a plasma-firing, gross looking, frikkin dragon like gun.
*spoiler off*

How original, Mr.Cameron.

What? You dint get an India-centric theme to sell your movie? Enough with the guilt trip already. You Whites are over doing it by pseudo-appeasing us poor, wronged races.

Anyway, back to other news. Shahid Afridi is feeling humiliated that no Pakistani was picked by the IPL franchisees. Dear Mr.Afridi, if you weren’t humiliated by your scores in the first ten years of your career, then there is little else that could humiliate you. You, Sir, are just bugged up about the fact that you haven’t got richer by a few million dollars.

The HRD ministry of India seems to love being in the news for all the wrong reasons. First, it sits sipping tea while normal colleges become “deemed” universities. Then it finishes the tea and throws the cup (saucer, et all) at these “deemed” universities. But our students aren’t far behind either. They go on a rampage inside the very campus they would have to graduate from. Real great thinking Einsteins. You are costing your college more by your burning and breaking. Dont expect them to maintain the same level of fees the next year. Morons.

Kraft Foods has bought Cadbury for $19B. Given that they share a common fetish with Ms.Ekta Kapoor, Kadbury Eklairs will hit the markets soon.

Scientists in Israel have found a new way of catching liars – by analysing their handwriting. One may tend to think India can use this effectively to curb the corruption in the Political space. What one forgets is that most politicians are illiterate.

A new study at the Cambridge University has come up with the theory that jogging helps in improving memory. It has now become a defacto standard for all students at the University to study for their exams while running around their dorm rooms. It especially becomes messy when they run in opposite directions.

Avatar – in Hindi

I See You (of course you do, you moron)

Apathetic Situation

So you wake up at 0530 hours to the blaring alarm of the guy in the next room. Swearing at Marwaris early in the morning is not exactly the best way to start your day, but you nonetheless curse him and grab your toothbrush and head towards the Men’s restroom.

Standing in front of the big mirror, you realise that you are still in your undies. Should you go back to your room?

You dont. Because your faith in your hostel-mates’ inability to wake up so soon is very strong. So you continue brushing without a care, only to hear a roaring laugh that broke not just your faith, but also your skepticism that your neighbour was not straight. Especially after the guy said – “Nice ass baby!”

The shower is certainly the best place to be in: if you wanna remain dry even when under a shower of running water.

No, honestly.

Every single ray of water will miss you if you stand under the shower. Its almost like you and the water are the same sides of a magnet.

Its 0800 hours and you are as hungry as those lions in the Colloseum (source: Asterix and Obelix). So you rush to the canteen with your handy thermos-cup for milk. 

Hmmmm…  whats on the menu???

Poori Subji. Musk melon. Coffee. Tea. Milk.

So after flicking away 2 flies from the subji, you bite into the poori to make the crunchiest noise that makes everyone, including a dog walking on the path outside, stop in their tracks and look at you. As if you are making love in public.

You head back to the room after a sumptuous breakfast of highly skimmed milk (in other words – water), all the time chanting to yourself that you will finish that pre-read due for the class that happens in 20 minutes. You reach your room and start chatting with all the gals on your GTalk list.

All unprepared and unrepentant, you enter the class with a broad smile on your face, only to find the Prof already in the class.

 

“I will let you into the class if you can answer my question. OK?”

“OK sir”

“What did we do last class?”

 

You spend the next two hours in the library.

The library, you realise, is the best place to be in, if you really want to do some serious studying. So you say to yourself – “I should come here more often”. Soon, you start going to the library every now and then, and your friends start doubting the fact that you go there to study. They pass such obscene comments like – “You are going there to study books? Or studying ….  something/one else?”

You somehow sit through all the painful, afternoon lectures in subjects you are sure you dont want to learn but nonetheless have to since it will build your patience. Or so they say.

Evening time arrives and now that you have found a new hobby – keeping fit – you take your buddy and go jogging to the nearby areas. Jogging on the highway. Try it. Great fun. Just dont close your eyes. Thats somewhat dangerous. Somewhat.

So you come back to the college, all tired. The only difference between you and that panting dog next to you being that you dont have your tongue out. Walking past the basketball court, you find your friends playing football on it. That too half court.

“You will never catch me playing that pathetic game!”, you say to yourself.

Soon you are playing football with your friends only to have the ball miss your legs everytime you move your legs towards it. The ball and the water from the shower are cousins for sure.

So you tire yourself after 5 minutes of football and head towards the volleyball court.

And after 3 games of volleyball, your head starts spinning – an evident effect of too much play. You are knocked down to the ground when the ball bangs you on your head. You are thrown off the court.

2100. Dinner.

2200. GTalk. With all the gals. All the time convincing each one of them that she is the only one you are chatting with.

0015. Sleep.

0530. *beep beep beep beep*

 

Damn Marwari.

Of Punjabis, Mallus and Simpletons

Living away from home can certainly be an experience, especially if you are doing it for the first time. So after making “that last check” for the umpteenth time, you finally bid adieu to the family, amidst all the “have I advised him enough” looking mother and “don’t call me for money” looking father and “your room is mine” looking brother.

So you reach the school you took admission in, well before time, only to find the entire registration process delayed by 2 hours. Turns out that this incident was an example of how NOT to manage time.

So after trying to make the awkwardness go away by cracking the poorest of all jokes, you realize that you are now on the “to-be-avoided” list for most people you have met in the past two hours. Especially that huge guy you made fun of by saying – “Swimming? Dude, if you go into the pool, either you stay or the water stays”. Turns out that people don’t like being ridiculed in the very first meeting itself.

You would, in all probability, go into a b-school with the thought of attending incomprehensible business lectures compounded with monotonous monologues from low pitch voices. But you are surprised when you are, instead, taken to an adventure camp. And you are even more surprised to find yourself unable to jump off a cliff. But slowly, your surprise turns into shame, when you see ALL the girls do the same with total ease. And to top it all, one girl comes up to you and says – “Oh it’s really easy. Once you see me do it, you will lose all fear.”

Ha ha. Won’t be seeing her anywhere close to you for a while.

So as part of the entire “orientation” program, you are put up in this posh (by your standards) resort, where you have to share the apartment with two other guys. You being the non-smoking, non-drinking, forward-thinking Southern Brahmin boy, are obviously startled to see your hardcore Punjabi and Mallu roomies order 3 cases of beer. Even before you had actually kept your luggage inside the room.

Soon, your room becomes the “hangout” for all possible wild-things that could have joined the school – drunkards, chain smokers, drug addicts – prompting you to request for a change of rooms, preferably with fellow simpletons as roomies.

So you choose these non-smoking, non-drinking, wimpy Southern Brahmin boys, who are good at laughing at themselves and bitching about everyone else. What more could you ask for? Except that when you wake up from that dream of some furry animal brushing itself against you, you see the hairy hand of one of your roomies’ on your cheeks. Thankfully, it’s the cheeks on your face.

And after a few days of vettiness, you finally move into the hostel – a room all to yourself. And all of hell goes into nitro.

As long as tragic-er things don’t happen, you are happy.

Chennaiyil oru iruttu kaalam

The current supply gets cut at odd times in Chennai. It goes whenever you are:

1. Finally comfortable with using the toaster machine, only to eat 2 slices toasted and the other 2 plain.
2. Just about to press ‘ctrl s’ on that all important document for tomorrow’s presentation. (No. UPS is out of order)
3. Watching that brilliant spell of bowling by Shane Warne.
4. Chatting on the Net. With a girl.
5. Sleeping soundly, only to be woken up in a puddle of your own sweat.

Its all the more fun when it goes during nights. Especially the ones which find you as alert as a Pomeranian on caffeine. It is during times like these that your dependency on electricity really hits you.

Gosh! No tv, no pc, no fan, no light… It would get incredibly boring if you don’t have a ‘windows enabled mobile’ ;)

So you try to identify all possible ‘sounds’ that you can hear.

1. Crickets – searching for mates. Its amazing how these guys keep at it all night long ;)
2. Clock ticking – reminding me from time to time that time is indeed moving.
3. Lizards’ one liners – very witty. They actually sound like “wit wit wit wit” :P
4. Trucks rumbling in the distance.
5. Leaves rustling.
6. The crunching of leaves under the feet of an assumably (and hopefully) 4 legged animal.
7. Your own stomach, making weird noises.
8. Your breathing.

But the list IS exhaustive. And the current still hasn’t come.

So you hide somewhere and make the strange “clicking” sounds that those aliens from “Signs” made. And convince your younger brother that “someone” is prowling around the house at the same time. Try it. Great fun to see your otherwise “brave and bossy” younger brother slip out of the room quietly. Its comparable to the moral victory MKG got over the Brits.

Current is still elusive. Its time you spoke to the EB guy, you feel.

“Saar, Besant Nagar area lae current eppo varum?”

“One hour”

“Sure a saar?”

“Yes, sure a two hours”

“Saar?”

“Yes? EB here”

Of course, you are in no mood to entertain his dry humour, especially when you are dripping wet with your sweat. And thats when you hear your brother’s voice (long after the frown he gave you after you “clicked” away to glory) – “Yaay! Lights are back!”

India is at the 7th place in electricity consumption, all over the World. Obviously. If there IS no current then what would we consume?

Delectable Elections

1. Govinda opts out of Lok Sabha polls

After being caught on camera with Dawood; and members of his constituency registered missing complaints against him; and him barely attending 10 per cent of the Parliament sessions; and him hardly opening his mouth in the Parliament, Govinda has decided to call the grapes sour by giving us this real-life punch line – “It was also an experiment“.

When contacted, his Secondary school Science teacher had this to say – “Govinda was brilliant as a student. He was the only one who was able to somehow generate greenish-blue phenophtalein”

Apparently, that love for colors trickled down to his reel-life clothing sense as well.

2. India is no empire and Manmohan Singh not an emperor: CPI

“It is very unfortunate that Soniaji has made certain remarks against the Left for criticising Manmohan Singh. But she should keep in mind that more than being a Congress leader, he is the Prime Minister of the nation, who is also subject to public scrutiny,” said CPI National Secretary D Raja.

To which  Singh replied – (breathing heavily, a la Darth Vader) “I find your observational powers disturbing.”

3. Lalu backtracks on Varun under roller remark

RJD chief Lalu Prasad, under the Election Commission scanner for his remark that he would have ordered a roller to crush BJP leader Varun Gandhi for his alleged “anti-Muslim” speech, said that what he referred to was the legal bulldozer.
Addressing an election meeting, Prasad said what he meant was that “Varun Gandhi will be crushed under the legal bulldozer for trying to fan communalism”.
“There is an attempt to throw me in jail but I am prepared even for that. After all, Swaraj was achieved when people went to jail”, the Railway Minister said.

Lalu obviously wants sooar-raj for Bihar. Will his swaraj remain a mirage? We will have to wait for it and guage.

Varun, however, was found avoiding all construction sites and Jayalalitha.

4. Cricket ‘bat’, ‘batsman’ among leftover election symbols

The ‘bat’ and the ‘batsman’ – often the first choice of companies for brand endorsements in the advertising field -are among the free symbols available with the Election Commission for use in the poll arena.

In 2014, symbols used will be – Dhoni, Gambhir, Zaheer, etc.

In 2019, symbols used will be – Dhoni’s helmet, Dhoni’s thigh pad, Dhoni’s abdomen guard, etc.

In 2024, when all possible cricketing symbols have been exhausted, the symbols available would be – Dhoni’s wife, Gambhir’s wife, Zaheer’s wife, etc.